The Troubled Therapist

February 25, 2010

Silly Putty, Mitch McConnell and Roto Rooter

In the spectrum of diseases mental and imagined, one manages to cross paths with my pathological need to treat patients in need of nothing more than nothing less concerning a hypochondriac’s nightmare: non-attention to their attentive needs. Silly you might say; silly ass disease [not to be confused with celiac disease] is precisely what I say. This disorder is as new as my imagined need to pretend I can maintain a helium-free diet. But make no mistake [or postpone you prostate or blocked clitoris exam] silly ass disease is as real as celiac disease symptoms: digestive problems [abdominal bloating, pain, gas, diarrhea, pale stools, weight loss and a need to puke on Mitch McConnell’s loafers], a severe skin rash called dermatitis herpetiformis, iron deficiency anemia [low blood count caused by overexposure to Brit Hume], muscular-skeletal problems [muscle cramps, joint and boner pain], growth problems and failure to thrive [in all things except watching American Idol], seizures and foreclosures, tingling sensation in the legs [Chris Matthews Syndrome], aphthous ulcers [sores in the mouth and other orifices many speak out of] and missed menstrual periods and semi-colons. The difference in deference to silly ass disease is that all symptoms are silly—sophomoric in a moronic way.

So how does a therapist treat silly ass disease? Must you ask that question? Must I? Indeed, if I must, then inside-patient therapy, classes in Rotor Rooter theory [applied and supplied] and collection of multi-colored pharmaceuticals carefully prescribed for the colorblind [liquid form for the blind and hard of hearing or those who question global warming and Roger Ailes’ waistline] is suggested, if not ridiculed—which ever comes first. It’s kind of like the chicken and the egg. Go with it. Really. I did.

Successful treatment and resolution concerning silly ass disease is debatable, further complicating said disorder making said disorder disjointed and out of order. Research does prove that reconciliation of any sort concerning the resolution I put forth in this treatise tremendous is certainly silly if not Silly Putty.


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