The Troubled Therapist

April 13, 2010

Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich and Boners

Let me be upfront, Bipolar disorder is not a mental illness manifesting somewhere between the North and South Pole [Brazil or Alaska was initially studied {I don’t know why} for the study I refuse to study]. But I do know that Bipolar Disorder involves periods of excitability [mania] alternating with periods of depression [a real sucky feeling]. The “mood swings” between mania and depression can be very abrupt—sometimes not. That’s why I’d rather discuss Tentative-Primordial-Priapism-Interuptus, or TPPIx2 to the 1⁄4 square root of an apple pie. So let’s be cautious and get on the same page.

TPPIx2 blah…blah…blah is considered a medical emergency, and a distressed patient should receive proper treatment by a qualified medical practitioner [me]. Early treatment can be beneficial for a functional recovery and my financial well-being. Medical advice [ha!] should be sought immediately for cases of TPPIx2 blah…blah…blah lasting beyond four hours. Generally, this is done at an emergency department or Target store. Orally administered pseudoephedrine [or orange soda] may be effective. Otherwise, the therapy at this stage is to aspirate aspirations from the corpus cavernosum under local anaesthetic [I suggest minimally cut cocaine]. If this is still insufficient, then intracavernosal injections of phenylephrine along with a salve consisting of chocolate milk, granola bars [generic is okay] and Michele Bachmann’s saliva are administered—applied. [Note] This should only be performed by a trained urologist, gymnast, a priest well versed in apologetic verbiage, anthropologist or Newt Gingrich, and with the patient under constant hemodynamic monitoring, as phenylephrine can cause severe hypertension, bradycardia, tachycardia, and arrhythmia [Michele Bachman’s saliva has been known to cause causal causiligia in a causative cavalcade way {ask Sean Hannity post-boner}].

Do I see hope in the treatment of TPPIx2 blah…blah…blah? Maybe—at least I hope so. Bipolar Disorder was once thought to be unmanageable if not manageable. Manic signs and symptoms such as restlessness and increased energy, irritability, thoughts racing, failure to sleep, substandard judgment, abuse of drugs, increased sex desires, wild spending sprees and aggressive or violent behavior exist while depressive episodes of sadness, hopelessness, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, no more interest or pleasure in activities or sexual experience, decreased energy and fatigue, over sleeping, or thoughts of suicide also exist, if not continue to be a source of alternate equations unsolved by the divide of the polar ice caps and Heineken Beer. Then again, there’s always hypo-masturbation.

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