The Troubled Therapist

February 25, 2010

Silly Putty, Mitch McConnell and Roto Rooter

In the spectrum of diseases mental and imagined, one manages to cross paths with my pathological need to treat patients in need of nothing more than nothing less concerning a hypochondriac’s nightmare: non-attention to their attentive needs. Silly you might say; silly ass disease [not to be confused with celiac disease] is precisely what I say. This disorder is as new as my imagined need to pretend I can maintain a helium-free diet. But make no mistake [or postpone you prostate or blocked clitoris exam] silly ass disease is as real as celiac disease symptoms: digestive problems [abdominal bloating, pain, gas, diarrhea, pale stools, weight loss and a need to puke on Mitch McConnell’s loafers], a severe skin rash called dermatitis herpetiformis, iron deficiency anemia [low blood count caused by overexposure to Brit Hume], muscular-skeletal problems [muscle cramps, joint and boner pain], growth problems and failure to thrive [in all things except watching American Idol], seizures and foreclosures, tingling sensation in the legs [Chris Matthews Syndrome], aphthous ulcers [sores in the mouth and other orifices many speak out of] and missed menstrual periods and semi-colons. The difference in deference to silly ass disease is that all symptoms are silly—sophomoric in a moronic way.

So how does a therapist treat silly ass disease? Must you ask that question? Must I? Indeed, if I must, then inside-patient therapy, classes in Rotor Rooter theory [applied and supplied] and collection of multi-colored pharmaceuticals carefully prescribed for the colorblind [liquid form for the blind and hard of hearing or those who question global warming and Roger Ailes’ waistline] is suggested, if not ridiculed—which ever comes first. It’s kind of like the chicken and the egg. Go with it. Really. I did.

Successful treatment and resolution concerning silly ass disease is debatable, further complicating said disorder making said disorder disjointed and out of order. Research does prove that reconciliation of any sort concerning the resolution I put forth in this treatise tremendous is certainly silly if not Silly Putty.

February 15, 2010

Charles Krauthammer, Polar Bear Poop and Ex-lax

Filed under: comedy,humor,Uncategorized — Chuck A Stetson @ 5:11 PM
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The eating disorder bulimia is most common among female adolescents and young adults. People with bulimia typically eat large amounts of high-calorie foods, usually in secret. After this binge eating they often, force themselves to vomit. They have feelings of guilt or depression. It isn’t my intention to use a Sharpie to draw attention to this disorder; instead, compulsivity and compressed fractures of the metacarpals [I complained to Vic about the vig] have me digesting the complex disorder: bullshit epididymis-epidemiology—crapola for short.

Complications from long-term bulimia include: electrolyte abnormalities, esophagitis, gastric dilatation, lung (pulmonary) aspiration, pancreatitis, pharyngitis, tooth decay, constipation and hemorrhoids, interestingly enough, have nothing to do with bullshit epididymis-epidemiology [bad breath and predilections for predisposition of suppository support do], but crap is crap unless said crap morphs into crapola and polar bear poop. It takes a trained medical professional [a gay minister who claims deity-intervention cured his gayness and genital oozing is not such a professional] to identify, identify with, and have indemnity from ideological discussions concerning identities to discuss polar bear poop as it might pertain to political poop from which there is seemingly no immunity. Moose poop is a different animal.

The cause for bullshit epididymis-epidemiology is unknown. However, one suffering from bullshit epididymis-epidemiology might just be a bullshitter pooping genetic nonsense. Testing in this area is still in the formative stages as constipation and free airfare to Constantinople have kept said testing from engaging in anything specific beyond specified bullshit identified [political punditry, puritanical pungency and Rush Limbaugh’s larynx dipped in Ex-lax] to be tested. However, many researchers grade on a curve, easing patients’ anxieties concerning stepping in polar bear poop [moose poop somehow isn’t as traumatic. Go figure… I’ll wait and digress].

Treatment is complicated and time sensitive [it’s best to catch a bullshitter pre-meal]. I find that my patients respond well to ABBA songs, making faces at pictures of Charles Krauthammer and journaling about disingenuous indigenous indigestible indignation. Medication is usually not needed for this disorder. However, psychedelics sprinkled on your Frosted Flakes can’t hurt; your doctor may prescribe antidepressants, but that’s really a bullshit option unless a patient steps in poop of any kind.

February 9, 2010

Freud, Sarah Palin and Tootsie Roll Pops

Filed under: comedy,humor,Uncategorized — Chuck A Stetson @ 4:04 PM
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Imagine not being able to imagine images imagined while processing the stimuli of the real world in an imagined state. Freud understood that the ego mediates among the id, the super-ego and the external world. Its task is to find a balance between primitive drives and reality [the Ego devoid of morality and super majorities] while satisfying the id and super-ego. Its main concern is with the individual’s safety and allows some of the id’s desires to be expressed, but only when consequences of these actions are marginal and best served as margarine on scones or saltine crackers with no salt. It could mean one’s self-esteem, an inflated sense of self-worth, or in philosophical terms, one’s self would certainly be deflated and devalued in these uncertain times. However, according to Freud, the ego is the part of the mind that contains the consciousness constructed with Lincoln Logs, Legos and a set of psychic functions such as judgment, tolerance, reality-testing, control, planning, defense, synthesis of information, intellectual functioning, and memory [remembering all of this is key] while the ego is depicted to be half in the consciousness, while a quarter is in the preconscious and the other quarter [75%] lies in the unconscious consciousness of the unconscious. The imagery is staggering unless one can’t imagine said imagery or any flavor of Tootsie Roll Pops.

Overcoming non-imagination relies on forgetting about the id and the ego and focusing on the super-ego, wiffle balls and marshmallow fluff. The super-ego aims for perfection. It comprises that organized part of the personality structure, mainly but not entirely unconscious [unless you are comatose or freaked out with roid rage], that includes the individual’s ego ideals, spiritual goals, and the psychic agency [commonly called paranormal Panamanian pizza delivery] that criticizes and prohibits one’s drives, fantasies, feelings, and actions—especially actions that are non-reactive. The super-ego can be thought of as a type of conscience that punishes misbehavior with feelings of guilt, if said misbehavior causes disbelief, mischief or naked bungee jumping. For those suffering from not being able to imagine imagined images, be thankful, as naked bungee jumping can be gross.

What to do…  Treatment for non-imagination imagination requires that the super-ego work in contradiction to the id. The super-ego strives to act in a socially appropriate manner, whereas the id just wants instant self-gratification [masturbation or marinated meatballs if one is considering celibacy]. The super-ego controls our sense of right and wrong and guilt. It helps us fit into society by getting us to act in socially acceptable ways [think Sarah Palin making sense… yes, it’s difficult to imagine]. The super-ego’s demands that symbolic cymbals clash with the internalization of the father figure and cultural regulations is non-essential. The super-ego tends to stand in opposition to the desires of the id because of conflicting objectives, and aggressiveness towards the ego and Eggo waffles. Said super-ego is egocentric, acting as the conscience, maintaining our sense of morality and proscription from taboos and fungus toenails. Successful treatment requires strong pharmaceutical intervention, watching reruns of Family Guy and of course singing the song Imagine in a false falsetto with a tinge of titillating vibrato. Again… imagine Sarah Palin making sense… it’s easy… it isn’t hard to do. Well, yes, it is, but the imagery is unimaginable.

February 4, 2010

Political Dysmorphia, Walmart and Proctology

Filed under: comedy,humor,Uncategorized — Chuck A Stetson @ 1:12 PM
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I hesitate discussing the disease: political dysmorphic syndrome, otherwise known as convoluted convulsive rhetoric disorder. Somehow, my mind is diverging on diluted thoughts concerning Walmart’s disgusting practice of closing checkout lines when a conglomerate of customers converge on apathetic sales associates [male, female and gender nonspecific] dedicated to preserving their extra long brightly colored press-on nails while scanning various commodities [Beijing bargain basement prices] that cry out sometimes, nearly-never American made. But my digression digresses so I redirect my thoughts to transient translucent episodic episodes.

Political dysmorphic syndrome is a growing anxiety disorder in which the affected person is excessively concerned about and preoccupied with perceived defects in the political spectrum concerning the inner-self and political affiliations. Political dysmorphia seemingly manifests as one reaches voting age; leanings towards progressive thoughts are most likely to occur unless the young voter has been indoctrinated by conservative ideology [conservative parents] thus rendering progressive tendencies tenesmus —except for those catheterized or colostomy-bagged. Factored into this treatise is the early voter who leans towards political non-affiliation. Generally, this patient shows signs of indifference and constipation; a high fiber diatribe diet is recommended. Root cause maybe quasi-quenched with root beer—non-diet. I need not continue this paragraph.

The mutation of political dysmorphia seemingly happens as one progresses through minimum wage, anemic academia, non-union unionization, corporate copulation and tax bracket awareness [have you seen my taxes? Seriously… I don’t know where my CPA resides within the federal penal system] leading to a renewed interest in Jesus, Republican ideology centered around talking points of serious verbose verbiage verboten of construct concerning concern and constructionist non-contemplation. One can also consider the damage of UV tanning rays, but I won’t. That’s another disease [Boehnerbozoism] I’ll reserve discussion on for anther time. This blog has yet to generate interest beyond five hundred words. So, on to treatment….

Patients diagnosed with this disorder [do I have to mention the name again? Seriously…] may be treated with psychotherapy, medication, or both. Research has shown cognitive behavioral therapy is successful. I’ve noticed a noticeable decrease in political confusion with patients who participate in said cognitive behavior therapies such as: proctology, pizza delivery in low-income high crime rate areas, Mennonite mediation, and greeting shoppers at Walmart.

February 1, 2010

Ethics, Wii Bowling, Big Pharma and Butterfingers

Filed under: comedy,humor,Uncategorized — Chuck A Stetson @ 4:13 PM
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Should a therapist be worried about morals and standards pertaining to the doctor patient relationship?  Unless one who practices Freud’s madness has good legal counsel on retainer, or high visibility as a cult figure fueled by patient transference, ethics are non-problematic. This conclusion is conclusive; I look upon my patients as nothing more than food feeding the psychometrics of my curiosity pertaining to psychobabble fueled by a psychogenesis that I transfer back to my patients via psychological dependence and psychoneurosis. And if my cult of personality comes into question, I’ve got the key to psychotomimetic psychosis—samples of various pills heaped upon me by Big Pharma sales representatives, or a prescription pad and verifiable DEA number.

Now I’m sure that skeptics of psychiatry [non-scientologists and Tom Cruise junkies who think his acting skills are worthy of recognition beyond a Thetan buzz generated by an over indulgence of Butterfingers laced with tetahydrocannabinol don’t count beyond the number two] will decry my methods—my ethics. But since I’m ethically challenged and ethnically ethnocentristic with no regard for ethonohistrionics or an ability to score well at Wii bowling, I maintain that my patients will welcome a real cool buzz or fuzzy feeling that will help further isolate and detach them from their feelings. That one extra pill [class II narcotic or any variation of benzodiazepine] prescribed as needed, added to an array of mind numbing antipsychotic and anti-depression meds is often called for in matters that really matter. Now perhaps if I try Wii bowling left-handed wearing 3-D glasses….

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